Where The Wild Things Are Abridged
by ElphieThroppDG28
Summary: Wanna know what REALLY happened? Click and find out! Warning: contains strong language.
1. Part I

_A/N: Just for the record, I love Where The Wild Things Are. However, I've learned that if you love something enough, you can learn to laugh at it, as well. ;)_

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything._

_WARNING: Strong language ahead._

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><p><span>Part I<span>

Once upon a time, there was this kid named Max. He lived with his bitchy sister and his workaholic mother in a house that was in some lame-ass non-identifiable neighborhood in the state of Who-Gives-A-Fuck. Max was lonely. But like the state's namesake, no one really cared.

So one day, Max was building a snow fort/igloo thing (and eating the snow in the process). Um, ew! Doesn't he know what happens to snow on the ground? Good Lord, does he wanna get worms? But, whatever, he was building this kick-ass fort, and he wanted his bitch sister to come see it. So he was all, "Hey, bitch! Get your ass out here and see my fort!" And she was all, "Hell no! I'm on the phone, motherfucker! Go play with your dumbass friends!"

Well, this pissed off Max. Everyone knows he doesn't HAVE any friends. So he vowed revenge! (insert lightning bolts and thunder claps)

So Bitchy's friends showed up in their Cash-For-Clunkers-piece-of-shit car, and Max got a brilliant idea! He snuck over to his house and AMBUSHED THEM WITH SNOWBALLS! Oh, no!

So the idiot teenagers went into combat, but Max retreated to his snow fort. And then they landed on top of it, practically killing Max with their fat asses.

Well, Max was upset. He started to cry. And the teenagers did nothing about it. They just went back to their shitty car. And Bitchy just looked at her brother, and got in the shitty car. And then they drove off.

Max wouldn't stand for this! There was only one thing he could do: trash that bitch's room! Yeah! Get it all soaked and shit! That'll teach her to piss him off!

But then Max felt...bad. He was sorry he'd trashed her room. So he went and pouted for a while.

Then his mom came home and was all, "How was your day?"

And he was all, "It sucked. Bitchy's minions wrecked my snow fort. And she didn't stop them, the fucking bitch."

And she was all, "Oh, is that all? Wow, you need a life, son of mine who's strangely swearing without my consent."

And then Max was feeling EVEN WORSE about what he'd done, so he showed his mom Bitchy's ruined room. And she was all, "What the fuck is this? Why would you do this, you little shit? Dammit, you're a fucking moron!"

So they cleaned up the room with towels. FUCKING TOWELS. Yeah, they didn't use Bounty, the quilted quicker-picker upper. What the hell is this, Spike Jonze?

Anyway, later that night, Max went to bother his mom while she was working on her dinosaur of a computer. Then they wrote an emo vampire story together, and published it, and it put _Twilight _out of business.

The next day at school, all the snow was magically gone. Yeah, there was, what, two fucking feet of snow one day, and then the next, it's all gone. What, did Aslan come and make the snow go away? What the fuck?

Max was really scared, because his hippy teacher was all, "Yeah, the sun's gonna die, and we're all gonna die. Just sayin'." And Max was all, "Why are you telling me this, motherfucker? I'm nine! I don't need to hear this shit!"

But the damage was done. Max built a fort that night in order to save himself. And he was all, "Mom! Come look at the kick-ass fort I made!" And she was all, "Shut up! My man whore's over right now, and I'm paying attention to him!"

Max got even more pissed off, so he put on his wolf suit (yeah...his wolf suit...I don't get it, either) and went downstairs to raise some hell.

He dissed the dinner his mom was making, and then he refused to get his sorry little ass off the counter. And the mom was all, "What the hell? Get off the damn counter!" And Max was all, "Bitch, feed me!"

So they chased each other around the house, and Max bit her. And she was all, "Motherfucker, that hurt! You're fucking out of control, you little ass!"

And Max was sad. So he ran away.

He thrashed around because he was crazy, but then he found a boat! A fucking boat, out in the middle of nowhere! What the hell, was this kid high or something? Whatever, he got in and sailed away. He was on that boat for WEEKS. And he was BORED.

But then he saw land, and tied his boat to a rock. And then he scaled a dangerously-tall cliff and almost died. And then he finally found something cooler that would make his life fucking awesome.

But I can't tell you yet. You'll have to read the next part to figure it out!


	2. Part II

__Part II

So, what did Max find, you ask? He found a big bunch of hairy-ass monsters, that's what! They were tearing the shit out of these balls of sticks, and Max wanted to destroy shit, too! So he went and started destroying stuff, but then the biggest monster, a pimp named Carol, stared sniffing him. Well, Max sniffed him right back! No one scared Max!

And Carol was all, "Oh, you're okay! You can help me tear the shit out of our homes!" So they continued with that. But the other monsters were all, "Um, what the hell? Why are you doing this, you ugly little bitch-ass?" And Max was all, "That pimp told me I could!" And the others were all, "Well, we're going to blatantly ignore you said that and eat your ugly little ass, motherfucker!"

But Max was all, "BE STILL! I'm a king, dammit! If you eat me, I'll kill all your sorry asses!" And they were all, "Omigod, he's a KING! A fucking king!" And so they crowned him king. And then he said, "Let the wild rumpus start, bitches!" And then they slammed into trees and lost brain cells and did a bunch of pointless shit, but it doesn't matter! They had FUN!

Then they all slept together in a big orgy - I mean, pile! And Max talked to this one female bitch who looked kinda like Carol, and no one really knew if she was his whore or not.

Whatever, in the book by Dave Eggers, it states that Max has feelings for this chick, so much that his stomach starts oozing down his legs. I'm not joking! Go check out the book and find it! I swear it's there! What, is he having an erection or something! That's fucking disgusting!

Anyway, Carol kidnapped Max the next day, and they walked across the desert and shit. And Max was all, "Yeah, the sun's gonna die. Just sayin'." And Carol was all, "Hellz to the no, it can't die! I'll beat its sorry ass if it ever tries to!"

So then they found some lame-ass creation Carol made. It was a model city of all the monsters, because Carol is a creeper like that. And Max was all, "We should do this in real life!"

So all the monsters decided to make a giant fort that looked like the Death Star. Oh, yeah, REAL ORIGINAL THERE! But the the other monsters were pissed. They were all, "Max, why is Carol your favorite? Are you two together or something?" And Max was all, "Oh, hell no! You're just being a bunch of whiny-ass fuckers!"

Then that one bitch was all, "Yo, let's bring my Harry Potter owl rip-offs to live in the fort!" And the others were all, "Fuck yes!" And Carol was all, "Fuck no! They suck ass!"

So Max was all, "Let's have a dirt clod war!" And the others were all, "We don't know what the hell this has to do with making a fort, but fuck it!" So they threw shit at each other, and everyone got hurt. And they were all pissed off again.

Then more pointless shit happened, because this movie doesn't really have a plot, but whatever! Carol got scared that the sun would die, and he tore one of the others' arms off! Holy fuck, isn't this a kid's movie? There was no blood, though! There was SAND! That makes it better!

Well, now the shit has hit the fan. Carol decided it was time to kick some ass, so he chased after Max to try and eat him. But that bitch ate him instead, to hide him. Yeah...that makes sense!

Then Carol felt like shit for doing that, but he wouldn't talk to Max. And Max was all, "Yeah, I fucked up big-time. I think I'm gonna go back to my crib, suckers!"

So he got in his boat and ditched the sorry-ass monsters. And they howled, because they were sad. Even though Max had ruined their lives, they would miss him.


	3. Part III

Part III

So Max sailed for a long time, and he magically made it home THE EXACT SAME NIGHT HE LEFT. Seriously, I think this is ripping off Narnia!

Anyway, Max made it home, but he was all, "My mom's gonna kick my ass for biting her and leaving! Shit, I'm in trouble!"

But the mom was all, "Yay you're home! I didn't even call the police or try to find you! But fuck that shit, you're home!"

And she gave him food, and he ate it.

THE END

No, seriously. That's how it ends.

Hey, don't get angry at me. I didn't make this.

Yeah, yeah, I know...it was GREAT, right? ;)

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><p><em>AN: I really do love WTWTA. It's one of my favorite movies, and I still love the book, too. :) I just thought this would be fun._

_Review, please!_


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